It's October already! I can't even begin to explain all the emotions going on. Last month was probably one of the most difficult times in all levels & even if it was only a month I couldn't wait for it to be over so I can start over again. Which is a strange thing because in the last years October is has been one of my least favorite months. As soon as October would hit is was like being hit with memories from the past, some good, but mostly scars of a heart that was healing. It was as if all year round my heart was whole, but as soon the tenth month came open wounds burned. My anxiety would become really bad, I felt like I constantly lacked air & no matter what I couldn't be productive in any aspect in my life. It got to the point were I feared the month, the smell, the cultural phenomena, everything.
It wasn't always like this.
There was a time when like most people were I loved the month of October, during high school it most definitely was. I was in marching band,...Yes, I was a band winnie, nerd, geek, all of the above & a very proud one at that. I played the flute, well I can still play but that is not the point. October was the month of contest & competitions, it was the month were all the summer practices, early & late school days would pay of, I loved it all so much it was fulfilling. I spend all my time with the people in band, my best friends were there, my crushes, my enemies, my inspirations. We were at the top of the bands of the city, qualified for Area & State back to back. I attended every football game & had the time of my life. But the thing that tops it all was the preforming, I don't think I will be able to explain exactly how that felt. The focus was so intense, time went like a blur yet you can play it back in slow motion, it was as if nothing existed but the movement & music, it was perfect.
Like everything it has it's dark side.
I lost many people who made me reevaluate friendship, I dealt with heartache, betrayal, & bulling. The thing that maintain me there was two people & the music. There were many other things that came into my life with time by the end of my third year I had to make a decision to stay or leave. The environment had become too toxic & even my fingers wouldn't cooperate with the pace of the music, the decision was beyond made.
I left.
Leaving it all behind was the best decision I made. There are absolute zero regrets as I know my life is better without it but the memories are still there they are my ghosts that come every October. I lived through the good, the great, & the ugly, much harm was done that it left a wound in me. Healing is a process, you can forgive, you can move on but that doesn't mean that it will no longer hurt, only time can do that. I wanted to write this because it's October & after so many years I can welcome the month & I no longer hurt.
I really didn't know that with the month I had had I would be able to handle another old October. I didn't even plan on writing this but it feels so right. After a long time I can finally feel excited & happy to welcome such iconic month. I am planning lots of autumn cliches & to make new memories to make.
Hello October!
